To all our teen and tween readership: listen up. I have some good-ass advice. Advice that may save your life. It is this: Lie to your parents. Lie to your parents everyday, at least once a day. And make sure they are completely clueless. Don’t worry about it not being ethical. Your parents lie to you every day. Especially when they say, “Don’t lie to me. I already know the truth. I just want to know if you are going to admit it, or if you are going to lie.”. When they say this you can be fairly sure that they are lying, and, being asked to choose between those two options, should always choose to lie. Same thing with cops. Cops, like parents, need to be lied to regularly. And cops, like parents, tell the lie that they are honest, and don’t lie, and are role-models. And your government. Lie to the government regularly and with glee, because they have mastered the art of lying. If you are caught in a lie (and if you are it just means you aren’t lying enough and need more practice) and your father poses the question, “Now, what kind of a world would we live in where everyone lied all the time? How would society function if no one knew if what they were hearing was the truth?” Simply answer, “Exactly like the society we live in.”. I suggest you take a cue from Oscar Wilde’s Sphinx Without a Secret.
(More on secrets below.)
Let me clarify something: This advice to lie is not tied to other advice on how to live I might give. As some of you may know, I make it my job to corrupt you as thoroughly as possible. I encourage foul language, rude gestures, slutty clothes and filthy music. I suggest you stay away from churches, boy scouts, and youth camps of any sort. Unless they are the nudist ones in Florida. That being said, my advice to lie is not directly related to your corruption. I’m sure you can’t understand how this can be, at the moment, so I will make haste with the explainin’. Even if you don’t want to have anal sex with your boyfriend. Even if you, heavens forfend, don’t swear or steal your dad’s porno mags. Even if you are one of those teeth-whitening, Old Navy-wearing, stuck-up christians, you still need to lie every day.
Why? Because by the time you are an adult it will be the only defense you have. In your adulthood privacy will be something your parents reminisce about. Complete surveillance will be the norm. Your e-mails, text messages, telephone conversations, trips to the store, candy bar choices, will all be aggregated and analyzed by the government. The authorities will have hard evidence of your every move, your every decision. Your only defense will be to tell a lie and stick to it to the very end. You will say, “No, that’s not me. It may look like me, but it is not me.” You will calmly, casually, convincingly lie through your teeth. Or else you will forfeit your freedom. You will act only according to whatever societal norms and laws are in place at the time. You will be a good citizen and you will not lie and you will do as you are told, always. When your favorite author is labeled a terrorist, you will cease reading her forever. When criticizing the government becomes a punishable offense, you will close your mouth forever. Or, you will lie, “I’ve never even seen a copy of that book.”, or, “I didn’t post that. Someone must have hacked my account.”
You will only be able to pull off this constant lying under great pressure if you are well-practiced. Which is why I advise you to start lying now, and get really good at it. By starting with your parents, and the cops, and your government.
Of course, you’ll want to avoid having to lie, if you can. For, the authorities may just lie themselves–save you the trouble and write out your confession for you. Your best bet in avoiding this situation is to master the art of secrecy.
Which is why, in addition to lying to your parents, I suggest hiding shit from them. Create a secret for yourself and keep it. You could take naked pictures of yourself, or keep a little journal of all the bad stuff you’ve done, but that would probably be a bad idea. Good training, but probably not necessary. Instead, I suggest you create a file with a suspect name and learn to protect it. Or, get an empty journal and give it a juicy title. Then keep it well-hidden.
You’ll need this skill by the time you are an adult. Believe me. Take that file and hide it on your computer, then have your friend try and find it. Have an IM conversation and try and erase all record of it. Do as Wilde’s sphinx does and find a secret place all your own and never let anyone find out about it. When you’re thirty and the government cameras festoon the streets and alleyways, the grocery stores and parks and you want to have some private time with your lover, you’ll be glad you took the time to learn the necessary tricks.
Or, you could ignore my advice, dedicate yourself to obeying every law, no matter what law it is, however onerous, however frightening, and know that you will be safe from the government. You could do that. Although I wouldn’t advise it.
